Epiphany, Commedia, and 2015
Epiphany, Commedia, and 2015
I have been going through a sort of angsty artist phase lately (not that it's anything new...). I've felt unfocused, and like I want to do so many things, but can't seem to follow through with any of them. I already wrote a little bit on wanting attention. But it's not just attention. It's that I want attention doing things that are important to me.
I moved to New York and went to part-time so that I could pursue my artistic career. But, suddenly confronted with so much time, I've had to actually look at myself and think: What does that look like? Who am I as an artist? I have gone on Broadway auditions, been writing songs, starting writing shows, doodling, and learning Japanese, just to name a few of my strange tangents that I've sort of been trying out. But this just leaves me feeling spread out, and like I'm not really good at anything in particular, and like I'm not actually progressing in any direction. I'm also stubborn, and refuse to let go of any of those things, lest I feel like I'm giving up or feel like I'm saying "I can't."
Today is the holiday of "Epiphany", and although it's really a religious holiday, I am choosing to take it at its name, and allow it to be more of a significant insight into myself and my life. I had an exceptionally productive meeting with a good friend and colleague, and discovered some things about myself that I think are really important.
Yes, I want attention. But not just attention for the sake of it. I stopped going on auditions, and was trying to figure out why. It's because really, if I were successful in that way, I would be receiving attention for what I would see as someone else's work. For the Spectacle. Sure, maybe I would grow my career to where my interpretations and development of characters and really making them my own would show my skills as an artist, I am definitely not saying that Broadway actors are not talented, but it's just not what I want to do. At least, not right now. I want to be respected and recognized as a true creator and innovator, and I don't believe that is that path that will take me there.
As an actor, letting go of auditioning and pursuing that path is extremely difficult. I've also stopped going for film auditions or any other type of auditions. This can be terrifying. Gaps in time on a resume can be harmful to a career, not putting yourself out there can be harmful, and, of course, every year, I am a year older. These are all very real things to take into consideration. But I also have been feeling like I need to pick something that I can throw myself into 100% and really go balls-to-the-wall (or tits-to-the-wall in my case?), and take a risk. But at least I'll know I gave it my everything. People can ask me "What do you do?" and I want to be able to say "THIS." So what is THIS?
3 years ago I started my own theatre company, Tut'Zanni. I did it because it was a big dream of mine, and because I saw it as a vehicle for all of my creative endeavors. If others weren't going to give me opportunities to pursue my artsy dreams, then I'd do it myself. The company had a magnificent first year, and has only continued to get better. Then I had my Epiphany. I can pursue all of my ideas and dreams- branching out into new media, working with film, animation, visual arts, music, writing new shows, everything- but I can re-focus it into commedia dell'arte. That is exactly what I had started the company for in the first place, I just somehow let that slip away over the stress of arts administration and regular human life stress. Commedia is something I am passionate about. I love it. I'm good at it. I want to be better at it. I see it everywhere, in everything, and constantly think about how I can apply it to everything, and everything to it.
For the first time ever, I have found something that, at least for 2015 (because thinking too far in the future has literally never worked out for me), this is the something I can throw myself into. My company has reached a point where I can either have it maintain how it has been going (which means eventually fizzle out, because that is the reality of the theatre world), or I can really make it something, and make it a big part of my life.
So here's to 2015, Tut'Zanni, and myself as an artist. Happy New year, everyone!